Why I Designed the This Is Pain Tour shirts

It was January 14, 2023. I’m wearing a fresh Justin Herbert jersey that I borrowed from my sister. I’m a Browns fan but had adopted the Chargers as my local team to support.

I’m at a friend’s house watching the Chargers demolish Doug Pederson’s Jaguars. It’s 17 to 0. With two minutes left in the first half, the Chargers are up 27 to 0. Trevor Lawrence had already thrown four interceptions. Then suddenly the Jaguars woke up and scored a quick touchdown before halftime.

I’ll never forget the feeling in my stomach. My friends started roasting me. They said it was common sense. But not in my world.

I started yelling. Not-so-family-friendly words.

My friends thought I was being dramatic.
“There’s no way they’re coming back,” they said.
But Browns fans and Chargers fans don’t operate from logic or calm.

And sure, I overthink. But most of the time it’s just common sense that a team up 27 to 0 before halftime should win the game.
But these were the Chargers.

I’d followed them since the StubHub days. And they know how to win and lose in the same game. Call it the worst two-for-one deal a fan can get.

Fast forward to the last play of the game. The Jags kicker hits a 36 yard field goal. Game over.

I’m in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, muttering, they Chargered again. They fucking Chargered again.
Followed by copious amounts of alcohol.

The next day I went to return my sister’s Herbert jersey and couldn’t shake the thought.
Why did I even bother wearing it if I already knew what the Chargers’ fate was.

Why do fans do this to themselves every year and come back again the next.

How do they go through heartbreak over and over.

There are endless answers. One of them is probably masochism. I’ve questioned if I’m one after all these years of being a Browns fan.

But I like to believe it’s something else.

Something I call Hopium.

Hopium is that tiny voice that says, “But maybe next year.”

It’s what keeps us coming back. Not because we’re stupid. Not because we forgot the pain. But because there’s still some messed up part of us that believes we might finally get the ending we deserve.

Hopium makes no sense. It’s not logical. It’s not healthy. It’s not even fun most of the time.

But it’s loyal. It’s ritual. It’s community. It’s sticking around even when your team doesn’t deserve you. It’s the fanbase becoming the backbone. The identity. The punchline and the pride all at once.

That’s why I made the This Is Pain shirts. Not as a joke, but as a badge of honor. Because if you’ve stayed loyal through that much heartbreak, you deserve a damn medal.

Or at least a shirt that tells the world:
Yeah, I’ve seen some shit. And I’m still here.